Can't move on
by thebeccac
Summary: (Petra x Levi) Levi actually looked crushed, really crushed when Petra's dad came over. Imagine everything that was going through his head and afterwards. Levi's pov.


Petra .. what happened .. ?

You were raring to go, and then I saw your corpse. Why?

We just arrived now, back with another disaster, although this one was just catastrophic. Nobody needn't come over to us and ask how what happened, I think our expressions would be enough. People complaining about how their taxes did nothing once again. We get it. We know too little, and they expect so much.

I'm crushed. Petra ..

"Captain Levi!" called a voice.

Damn. It would be just rude of me to shrug him off. Well I do that all the time, but after what happened, I don't think I can.

"My daughter is in your squad ... I'm Petra's father" he started.

No. I could feel my heart ache. I couldn't look him in the eye. He seemed too happy to even deserve such awful news.

"Before she sees me, I wanted to talk to you" he continued. Spit it out then. "She sent me this letter ... she mentioned that you respected her abilities enough to let her join your squad. That she was going to devote herself to you".

It felt as if my father-in-law asked me how his daughter is getting on, but never knew that his daughter had died. But part of that was true. It's not smart to marry in the Survey Corps, or whatever group you're in, but ...

'_That she was going to devote herself to you_', felt close enough.

"Well, I guess she's too starry-eyed to consider how her father feels! Ah-ha-ha-ha! Well, as her father, I think it's too early for her to marry" he said, too cheerfully.

We could have. Age didn't matter. I'm older than her anyway. Marriage? She planned on getting married? Well .. that's one way to interpret it.

"She's still so young, with so much to experience ... ".

Oh, let me tell you, she's experienced far too much. Her comrades died. It felt like I died.

**0o0o0o0o**

We've arrived back at HQ, and we just got word that Eren must be handed over to the capitol. I headed towards my room.

It just hit me. I could have saved her. I was too late. We've always believed in each other, and that was how everything worked out. Is that how they died, when Eren turned into a titan? I shouldn't take my short-comings out on him though.

I walked over to my desk and noticed a picture of the Squad and I. Oluo, Eld, Gunther and Petra and I sitting beside each other. This was taken before another expedition. I don't remember it well, probably another tragedy.

I felt a tear trickle down my cheek, and land on the photo. "_Ugh. It's already dusty. It's warm ... just like a titan. Damn it._" I said to myself.

My breathing became slightly erotic. I saw the bin in my room and limped over to it. With the picture still in my hand, I raised my arm, attempting to drop it. I can't let her death destroy me. I can't let myself break, when we are asked to put our lives on the line to fight for humanity. I need to move on, no matter how hard it may be.

_"Just dump the picture, you fool. Idiot ... you weren't even fast enough to save Petra. Just drop. The damn. Picture_".

Criticizing myself won't make me better or worse. Maybe it wasn't my fault, but part of me will always blame myself for not being in two places at once.

I couldn't do it. Why? I don't know. Burning it would be just as easy. I sat down at the desk and let it sit by the candle. I couldn't burn it directly, it would have to do that itself. But for it to burn itself, I'd have to move it closer to the freakin' candle.

-Knock-knock-. "Levi? It's Hanji .. do you want to talk?".

Great. What does she want? "Can I be left alone?" I said back to her. But she welcomed herself right in. I slowly up and kicked the chair back, with my bad ankle though. "Shit ... Are you deaf?!"

"Don't you want to talk? It can help. You must be pretty upset .. about .."

"I know. I know. I'm fine though"

"Well .. it looks like you're about to burn a picture of the two of you" walking over to the desk, observing the candle and picture.

"Mm".

"You were crying, weren't you?" she asked.

I would have thought the candle would have done something. "So? I'm not allowed to cry?"

"Well you never feel anything. C'mere" and gestured me to hug her.

Hug? No thanks. I shook my head, showing I didn't want the hug, but if she could read in-between the lines, it meant I wanted her to leave me be alone for a while. Either way, she wrapped her arms around me, her foot accidentally crashed into my ankle.

"Cry." she said simply. And that's what I did. One tear .. two tears, and they just continued to stream down my face, eventually turning into a whimper. "There-there. It will be alright" she soothed.

"No .. it's not" I sighed, my breathing heavy and laboured.

"I used the future tense for a reason. It mightn't be now, and you mightn't be now, but it _will_ be alright" she said.

"I can't let go though .."

"And you don't have to for a while. We won't be going on another expedition for a long while now after this. Besides, I don't think we can afford to lose any more. But it only gets better" she said, finally disbanding, and was about to take her leave.

"Wait, Hanji?"

"Mm?"

"Thanks .."

She smiled and then shut the door. Looking back on it now, I kind of regret trying to burn the picture.


End file.
